Transformation was my theme for 2016. I was so determined to transform my life this year unlike any year before. For the first few months I was all in. I was determined to transform but into what. I knew what I didn’t want and why I didn’t want those things and I was determined to not continue to allow those things to dictate my life. I started with my spirituality and joined a small group at church. That was the best thirteen weeks of the year. I was determined to live in freedom and it was working. I was amazed at how free I was becoming it felt amazing. My spiritual freedom started to dwindle because I gradually allowed people and things to creep in and consume me and control me. I found myself slipping back into the lonely abyss I so desperately wanted to get out of. Why did I allow this to happen to me? Especially since I had the keys and the tools to live in freedom. I only allowed myself to give portions to God had I given it all to him I would truly be living in freedaom. Through this process I was out of order and I recognized it. Unfortunately, I was not willing to do what needed to be done to get in order because I enjoyed the feeling and had not experienced it in a long time.
Because I had not identified what I wanted to transform into I fell back to where I did not want to be. I allowed people to dictate my emotions. I longed for things I knew I could not have. I would partake in experiences that were damaging and why. All because I had a map but no destination. The more I reflect, I still do not have a clear destination of what I want my transformation to be. I desire transformation, I have the road map but I’m basically feeling around in the dark. A friend said to me that I am not alone and there are others who share the same experiences as me. I have yet to find anyone.
At this point all I know is I want more and I deserve more. I thought it was me and that I was not good enough and this is what I deserve. The more I reflect I realize I am good enough and perhaps I wanted to transform for the wrong reasons. Was I doing this for me or for someone else? Maybe this is why the transformation was so short lived becasue my motives were not pure. I just gave myself something to think about. Now that I think about it I was trying to transform to get a different outcome from someone else. Perhaps I don’t need transforming but the person I was trying to transform for needs the transformation. I’m already a butterfly!!!!