Transformation 2016

Transformation was my theme for 2016. I was so determined to transform my life this year unlike any year before.  For the first few months I was all in.  I was determined to transform but into what.  I knew what I didn’t want and why I didn’t want those things and I was determined to not continue to allow those things to dictate my life.  I started with my spirituality and joined a small group at church.  That was the best thirteen weeks of the year.  I was determined to live in freedom and it was working.  I was amazed at how free I was becoming it felt amazing.  My spiritual freedom started to dwindle because I gradually allowed people and things to creep in and consume me and control me.  I found myself slipping back into the lonely abyss I so desperately wanted to get out of.  Why did I allow this to happen to me? Especially since I had the keys and the tools to live in freedom.  I only allowed myself to give portions to God had I given it all to him I would truly be living in freedaom.  Through this process I was out of order and I recognized it.  Unfortunately, I was not willing to do what needed to be done to get in order because I enjoyed the feeling and had not experienced it in a long time.

Because I had not identified what I wanted to transform into I fell back to where I did not want to be.  I allowed people to dictate my emotions.  I longed for things I knew I could not have.  I would partake in experiences that were damaging and why.  All because I had a map but no destination.  The more I reflect, I still do not have a clear destination of what I want my transformation to be.  I desire transformation, I have the road map but I’m basically feeling around in the dark.  A friend said to me that I am not alone and there are others who share the same experiences as me.  I have yet to find anyone.  

At this point all I know is I want more and I deserve more.  I thought it was me and that I was not good enough and this is what I deserve.  The more I reflect I realize I am good enough and perhaps I wanted to transform for the wrong reasons.  Was I doing this for me or for someone else?  Maybe this is why the transformation was so short lived  becasue my motives were not pure.  I just gave myself something to think about.  Now that I think about it I was trying to transform to get a different outcome from someone else.  Perhaps I don’t need transforming but the person I was trying to transform for needs the transformation.  I’m already a butterfly!!!!

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