My First Love or My First Loser

So, a friend of mine suggested that I start a blog as a way of healing and finding strength. Here we go. When I was younger I knew exactly who I was what I wanted to do and become. I had a few speed bumps in the road but I still succeeded. When I was thirteen I met my first love, he was fifteen. Back then I was so naive I didn’t realize it was one sided. We talked and wrote letters because that’s all I knew to do. I should have known it would not work because of the reason he caught my eye to begin with. Fast forward three years to sixteen and eighteen. I was finally old enough to have a relationship and he became my boyfriend. Long story short by my seventeenth birthday I was pregnant and a mother before eighteen. Did I mention my “first love” was no where to be found. Lesson, if you want to see a guy disappear tell him you’re pregnant and he might have to put his dreams on hold. Anyway he did resurface but only for a brief moment. Just when I thought we were going to be okay, he disappeared again and I haven’t seen him since. It’s been twenty one years. I have talked to him though, when my daughter was thirteen. Would you believe his first question was “what doe she look like.” Really, asshole. Needless to say he is not one of my favorite people. As time passed and we talked more and discussed what an awful person he is and I let him know he was not allowed to see my daughter.

About four years later I forgave him because I would no longer allow him to have power over me and my life. You see I spent thirteen years hating him and resenting. I now realize my daughter did not miss out, he did. He lost the chance to know a great girl and see her grow into a beautiful woman. Your loss buddy. Time is something we can never get back. I spent so many years hating someone who didn’t even deserve an after thought. That time and energy could have been spent so differently and more productively. Now that I think about it, this may be the reason for all the destructive relationships I’ve been in over the years. Please don’t think I am a victim because I am not. What I am is a conqueror!!!!!!!!

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